i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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