pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
