Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
