I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
