GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
