My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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