Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
