At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
