I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
