Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Randomize
