I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
