3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
