went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
