the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
