My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
