Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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