I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
