i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
