my vag is so smooth its legendary
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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