Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Randomize
