Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
