The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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