??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
