she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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