Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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