You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
