Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
