I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
