I showed him my bush... on skype.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
