I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
