If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
my poor anus
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
