I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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