Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I want a musical about memes.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
