tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
