so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
