Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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