For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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