Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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