used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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