At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
