Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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