hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
