omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
