she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
