Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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