Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
