we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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