so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
