I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
