Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
