so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
