My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
