final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
