Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
