Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
