it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
