I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This baby is an asshole
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
