apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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