I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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