I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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